THE NEED TO BE NEEDED
This book comprises random introductory thoughts as part of a much more extended
study on the subject of the need to be needed as distinguished from the need to be
loved, and considered as the most basic psychological need as distinguished from
the latter as the most basic transcendent need.
It complements our conscious transformation by pointing out the psychological
variations of needing other people to need us, and how vulnerable we are to this need.
NOTE: The following selections are random introductory thoughts as introductory to a much more extended study.
 Just as our need to be loved is certainly inexorable for most people, so is humanity's need to be need- ed just as inexorable for some people; and if either remains unfulfilled in a crucial psychological area for any length of time. it tends to distort the personality, to undermine its potential integration.
 Just as the need to be loved might be said to be our most basic human-transcendent need, the need to be needed might be said to be our most human-psychological need.
 "I had set my goal early in life and worked hard to reach it. When my success was assured at last, I began to feel left out, neglected. I thrive on affection and being needed. without them, I was desolate."
 Who, but the few, can bear not being loved; but who, at all, can bear both not being loved nor not being needed?
 Why does rejection pain so acutely? Because that, in effect, says, "Who needs you?"
 She's alone now that here husband has died. But she does have her house, their home; and this possession gives her sense of importance, stability; she is not a transient, but is somebody of substance.
 One has to feel worthy of being needed. A husband. for instance, must feel he is up to what his wife expects of him as a man. as a provider, a husband. a father.
 It's not so much that he envies his friend's talents and successes, but that he shines so brilliantly among his peers and family and friends. He pales in comparison.
 No one could be totally: perfectly, moral: or immoral. or amoral. And Do you know why? For one good reason? The resentment engendered by others would be too much to bear. Who would want to be with such a person? Would you?
 The magic of the sound and meaning of ''my wife, My husband.''
A LITTLE CIRCULAR EXERCISE
That I am needed means that I am important.
Being important is crucial to my sense of self-identity.
My self-identity defines me in the best possible light.
And that I consider myself in the best possible light, assures me I'm needed.
 The stronger one's ego, the more needed one needs to be.
 "It is tremendously rewarding to work with people who really need you. and you need them too."
 "I have to do these things for her to keep her wanting me."
 "I know my need of my wife gives meaning to her life."
 "I can't afford to allow myself to be demeaned by small digs, offhand attitudes, or convenient alibis. These all imply a lower estimation of my worth than my own fairly evaluated appraisal of myself. One of two situations is implied: either I'm not as useful as I think (in which case I'm making a fool of myself); or I am gullible enough not to see through the subterfuge of other people's jibes, evasions, and outright lies. I can't afford this gradual corroding of my hard-won self-esteem. It's hard enough to keep on an even keel, controlling my own aberrations and misgivings without permitting lesser people to destroy my equilibrium and self-assurance."
- ''I'm not a one or two person woman; I need many people to need me''
-- "It sounds as though your need is much greater than those who need you.''
- ''That could be.''
-- ''You'd better hope they don't find that out.''
 She gives him a good feeling of self-esteem which accounts for, in good: part, his need of her. as well as his further need that she need him.
 "When I got married I felt secure enough to be able to release my hostilities."
 ''Yes. I have great success. stardom, if you like; wealth, everything that one would hope from a career; but I can honestly say that when I'm proven wrong, or short-sighted, or not up to par. it's as though I have nothing nothing; and this cuts through me like a sword.''
- "Why do you think that is?
-- Because then I'm vulnerable.
- You mean fallible. don't you?"
-- Well, so long as we're not mincing words, I suppose that's it.
- "But don't misunderstand me, I don't consider myself perfectly right at all times; it's Just that when I'm not. it makes me feel acutely inferior. I feel that others expect me to be right at all times; and when I'm not, I find myself verbally, and otherwise, covering up by every means of mental jugglery. I can't bear to be wrong. especially since I've been hurt so often when I am."
 A young convict: "The only time anybody knows we're alive is when we spill somebody's guts or steal from them on the streets. Many of us come back here to prison because our people are the only ones who will accept us."
- He doesn't love you, so why do you stay with him?
-- I don't seem to have any other choice.
- But why? Don't you see that he's using you?
-- Yes. I do. but at least he needs something of me if nothing else.
 I felt so incompetent, I could have died. At that moment, I was nothing. nobody, useless; and felt that everyone else there felt the same.
 "It's not that I don't like your beard that I'm angry; but that you didn't care whether I liked it or not.''
 "I didn't care enough to hear or see that need. and so I had an affair. I didn't want another man; I only wanted my husband. But I had no other choice, I could no longer go on as a non-entity.''
- And why do so many people need to be right, even though they may know they are not?
-- Self-esteem. my friend, self-esteem. In being right where it matters, I'm respected, admired, honored revered even. All these that bolster my self-esteem; and do you think that I'm about to jeopardize my self-esteem by coming off as wrong instead of right?
 "Understand that I have to matter to someone, nothing else much matters to me in the final analysis."
- "But why should it matter to you that he ignores you; you don't care for him. do you?''
-- ''No, I don't; it's Just that his ignoring me shows that he doesn't care for me. And that hurts not much, but a little.''
- ''Would you have everyone like you?''
-- ''No, I'm not that egoistic; common courtesy is enough, a quick hello and smile. That's all. But there's an air of disdain about him for me as he walks by, and that I find intolerable, however I try to convince myself that he doesn't matter a jot to my life.
- "I know what you mean. I wonder why another's disdain hurts so much, even though we don't care for that person?''
- "Because I think it reduces you to nothing in the other's person's eyes, and in your own. It's as though you don't even exist.''