IN BEAUTY AND PASSION
Joseph and Sharon
This book reveals the intimate recorded details of being newly in love in the deepest, most intense, most complete, sense of the phrase, in love, as these details occurred.
It complements our conscious transformation by revealing the human and transcendent experience of the beauty and passion of erotic love with the right person.
Since erotic love is the life force of Love which turns our world round, so to speak, this aspect of love is analyzed from two main perspectives: self-destruction and self-transcendence. This book of the ascendancy concentrates on the self-transcendent aspect of erotic love in which the attraction between the man and woman is balanced appropriately; and so beneficial to them both.
[Contrast the self-destructive aspect of erotic love, The Erotic Spell.]
This part, In Beauty and Passion, reveals the intimate details of being in love in the deepest, most intense, most complete, sense of the phrase, from the beginning through the birth of our first child.
This book takes this theme of erotic love one step further beyond The Erotic Spell into the realm of beauty and passion; hence, the title of the work In Beauty and Passion. This book records the same man (myself) falling in love, but this time with the right woman and in the right circumstances. It is an almost daily account recorded on audiotape of the thoughts and feelings and response that go into falling in love, being in love, and right through to the birth of their first child. This all takes place within a period of two years.
The theme of the work is to reveal the beauty and passion involved in love in its transcendence as well as its humanness; and that it is surely the most powerful power in life, as life; and its fulfillment for human beings, beyond it underlying biological purpose.
These details (recorded on cassette tape) capture the beauty and passion of a man and woman so deeply in love and still are, 21 years later that the work stands in a class of its own as a glory to erotic love in its full human and transcendent array. It covers the whole range of erotic love - the sexual, the sensual, the sensuous, offspring, passion, compassion, lust, jealousy, rage, possessiveness, obsession and the transcendence of this love that balanced and guided the extremes of this love through the straits of personal and interpersonal growth and closeness.
The enclosed pages are a sample of an approximately 300-page manuscript titled In Beauty and Passion. It is a true, intimate, spontaneous account of a dramatic love between my wife and me as written and recorded on audio tape as it happened from falling in love, through marriage, to the birth of our first child. The time span ranges from September 1982 through September 1984.
The contents of this works comprises thoughts, feelings, discussions, and experiences of the psychology and transcendence of man-woman sexuality and relationship.
The main theme, that is expressed throughout the work is the experience of erotic love as transcendence; or, more particularly, of the sacredness of love as experienced through sex in its orgasmic, primal explosion coursing through human consciousness as idealism, or transcendence.
The purpose of publishing this work is to make an inspiring contribution to freeing the minds of men and women from psychological and sexual repression, fear and ignorance that bar them from a broader, more expansive, panorama of man-woman love.
The work is sometimes very graphic in matters of our sexual acts and talks yet always in keeping with the aesthetics of our purpose; and highly controversial in ideas and beliefs -- yet always in keeping with what we believed to be true about us and human nature. There was little or no holding back on our parts; we had agreed to that from the beginning. It came very naturally for us to speak our minds from their depths, however consciously and unconsciously inhibited we might have been by our natural human limitations and insecurities.
My wife and I are convinced that this work, as controversial, and disturbing as it is, will contribute to the ongoing intuitive understanding of human consciousness, and so of human relationships. We are both willing to weather the consequences that this work is likely to generate-to some extent.
September 1, 1982
She's back from England!
Went to lunch together, sat closely, our knees just barely touching. Talked mostly about her trip and our tutoring school. Mild transports of joy suffuse me.
Went to lunch with her again. We talked of each other, revealing this and that, and ever so subtly, our growing mutual feeling. She is receptive (I think). I am receptive (I know).
Afterwards in her car outside my home. We both reveal further in disguise but in such obvious disguise our feelings for each other. I can't help but declare myself to her, and speak of myself as a man, and no mere intellectual, as she knows me to be. She responds so beautifully, as I want - need her to. During this time, I'm urged to kiss her, to make a physical touch; but I'm unsure of myself, of her possible rejection. It's been over twenty years since I've felt such delicate sensibilities.
We're still talking, winding down, getting ready to part. Am I going to do it? ... Am about to, but she makes a parting response that stops me.
This is not the time, if ever there will be. ... Then a few more words, and she makes that "certain" response, gesture, that ineffably invites me to her. We look at each other in the unmistakable love gaze; and I reach over and kiss her softly on the lips; then gently cup her one cheek as I kiss the other. She responds givingly.
This kiss, both on her lips and cheek,was a kiss of beauty , with passion subdued. And now I know that our life together will be one of beauty, grace, tenderness: as misty falling rain, with the sun about to break through the clouds in golden beams.
She is my soulmate. I know it; and so does she.
She says to me: "I want us to grow old together, Joseph. ...In whatever direction our relationship goes, we must keep the transcendent part of it always."
I respond: "This may sound strange, even ridiculous, but this morning it flashed through my mind that somehow I'm going to be able to get to the soul, the being, of me in such a way that others will be able to get to it too; and not just rarely."
Her response: "I know we can."
I think she is to be the inspiration of my further human and transcendent development.
O, her being enhances my own!
It's raining today, much out of season for Los Angeles. She loves the rain. I call her,after much hesitation as to whether I should so soon after seeing her. She answers with such a gorgeous, lilting hello that I suffuse in delight. I tell her I had to call her about the rain, and how it seemed like an omen for us. I'm not sure she understood my meaning. But then, I hardly did myself.
We confessed our love for each other this evening on the telephone! "I love you, Joseph," she wafts through to me in beauteous intonation. And, with the ease of a bird in flight, I respond in the same way. We then go on to talk in words of love. She says to me all the things about us that I want crave to hear.
She said of herself, and the same applies to me, that our confession of love for each other leaves her in a peaceful -- though with a measure of excitability state of mind. Nothing blind about what is happening to us: a calm fulfillment.
"I want to hold you," she spoke softly. ..."I want to sleep with you," she delicately intoned. "Yes," I responded, wanting the same.
She tells me that she had never had a more beautiful experience than my kiss yesterday. "And I love your name, and I love your eyes, and I love your lips, and I love your legs a few of the endearments I expressed to her.
We simply poured out ourselves to each other this evening without reservation : our love, our desire, our need, of each other. How saving to be so unreserved. This unreservedness must be the earmark of our life together.
I have my woman and what a woman!
I can't believe it! I am loved! I love! The only woman for me loves me!
Oh, she is so right for me
Nothing will be the same for me again, for us again. It is so right between us that I'm reeling with felicity.
She is me through and through.
I will grow much as a person because of her. I know it.
No pretenses, no pettiness, no possession of each other.
We will give ourselves to each other first, and in so doing, will give ourselves to mankind.
What we have is an organic marriage of souls where the quick of us beats. She is my soul-wife.
I can hardly believe it, I gasp at the thought, that I'm going to hold a woman my woman in my arms again, after all these many years.
I love her mind, her body, her spirit, her whole being; I love her grace, and I love the gross about her all her contrasts...and they are myriad. What striking eyes! They flash her soul through them.
By freeing ourselves from the old psychology in us, we will pave the way to the freeing of others. Together we will break through the wormwood of human relations, and arrive at a truer, fresher, brighter perspective that is long overdue. On to the new man and woman!
Is this real? My own woman? Yes!...and more real than anything or anyone before.
Am I relieved that we "declared ourselves" tonight. I don't know how much longer I could have gone on in the suspense of "Does she love or does she not?" I was prepared to wait it out, though. But all is right now, and we can have the patience for our love to evolve in its proper channels, because, as she said, "We now know."
No games, no games none of the male-female games between us. We fervently agreed.
Oh, am I going to delight, to thrill, in getting to really know her: her shifting moods, her changing expressions, her intricate thoughts, her varying feelings, sentiments, urges, drives, fears, passions.
She loves me! She loves me! I can do anything now.
She has herself a good catch in me, I think; and what a catch I have in her! How fortunate I am!
Ah, Sharon, you are my woman, and nothing more need be said. Amen.
Sept.10 ! [3:30 a.m.]
I can't get to sleep; but who cares. She will carry me through the coming day. And what a day it promises to be!
O, my darling woman, I love you so much!
I want my ego to dissolve into her being. With that, the full force of my humanity will come through.
I almost feel like crying, I'm so happy. I've been on the verge of doing so a number of times tonight.
I am so joyed to give myself to her; so full, that she has me. And this is not my ego speaking, but my whole being.
My first verses to her:
I love you deep my precious heart,
You've felled me with your loving dart;
And what you mean to me is this:
Your womanness is my earthly bliss.
I've never written a truer poem, nor a more lovely one on the theme of love for a woman. It is perfect in form and expression, and took me no more than five minutes to write. Only love could have inspired me to write so freely.
Fell asleep about 4 a.m., and woke up about 4:40 a.m., and have been up since. A misty, overcast day - our kind of day. How appropriate for our first time together as lovers.
I'm somewhat churned up inside for her. I'm not sure if it's because I can hardly wait to be with her tonight which can't be denied; or because of the momentousness of what is happening to me, of what is about to catapult me into another dimension of reality. I choose to think of it as both. My feelings are mixed between fear and awe.
Our love, I know, is going to be two-fold: erotic and transcendent; and it is the transcendent element that will preserve and expand the erotic element in us.
2nd poem to her:
There is a wild will about you, my sweet,
That I love as I do your compassionate breast;
This wild in you I am challenged to meet,
While your compassion keeps me at your behest.
I want, need, to experience the totality of her being!
She loves me! What meaning! What completeness!
I am to be with her tonight all night! No need to go into the ecstatics of that anticipation.
We slept together last night, but did not consummate our love sexually. We loved:kissed, caressed, fondled, but no penetration. It has to be resolved with the others before we can begin our life.
Now that everything has been revealed and partially settled, both on her side and on mine not without climactic emotional havoc, I'll tell you we have consummated our love tonight. Now our love epic begins.
I feel myself a moving ocean of force and effect.
She poeticizes my whole being.
She is so intense, so real, so complete a woman...so mine!
Oh, am I going to thrill at coming to know you in your myriad ways and byways, my woman of the ages!
Her body, my body, is now our body.
O, my heart! My woman,
I throb with blood and rapture for you;
O, my soul! My woman,
I fuse with you in eternal flame.
I kiss and soothe and caress every curve, fold, and part of her adorable body. What a trackless wonder! What an inexhaustible array of sweet sensations! Her love's body is infinity incarnate.
She: We are making this (the intensity and profundity of our love) happen; not anything outside of us; no God, no Jesus.
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you! She bursts out at me.
Am quivering in anticipation of seeing her.
I've never felt so free, so uninhibited, with a woman, or anyone even with myself, it seems as I feel with her.
I sigh in sheer delight that we love each other. Tears are almost to my eyes.
One day the world will read these love effusions and those to come and marvel that a man and a woman loved each other so deeply, so intensely, so fully; and will aspire to such a love; and that will be part of our contribution. Our love is the world's love.
This is going to be the love of the century or at least the recorded love of the century.
We look closely, adoringly, at each other; and for the first time I see that she looks like me! : her visage, the shape of her face.
There is no lust sex-lust whatsoever in our lovemaking. There is animal in it, but the animal humanized with graceful, undulating movements.
I enter her...slowly, gently, unexcitedly, without thrust; and I bathe in her female folds. Calm, soothing, easy. No grunting, no sweating, no urgency for ejaculation, for that excruciating pleasure-release. I become soft in her, and we stop movement, and look lovingly into each other's eyes. This is not the ultimate act for us. Everything we do, for, each other is ultimate: my kissing her eyelids, the nape of her neck, the underside of her arm, her wrist, her fingers, her fingernails...every gesture is an act of love.
Her skin is as silk, satiny.
I would die for her.
Loving her body is an inter-flow of passion and beauty, is the body and mind's spiritual experience the earth's image of Love's eternal meaning and bliss.
She: I want to share music with you. I want to share everything with you.
It's all right to be wrong with her. I doesn't matter. No ego stances, no prerogatives, between us.
No perfume, no make-up, on her; no seductions, no allurements - just the natural; and how sweet and arousing is her natural to me!
Our love is not exclusive to ourselves; it must go out to others, especially to those closest to us.
Our love is not romantic alone, is not sexual alone, is not erotic alone, is not transcendent alone; it is all these, which makes it humanly transcendent.
She has given me another dimension of life, a fullness of understanding, that no words of knowledge could ever give. Out the window with all the books, all the words; Love with a capital "L" gives it all.
My golden princess, feel not the least fear
That ever I should be far and you near;
My self you have to the quick of your soul,
Our life together is my wondrous goal.
She excites me to no end.
The truth between us, no matter how painful, no matter how hard.
Humor and wit are shot through our togetherness, as it must always be.
She to me: "What a man!"
I to her: "And what a woman!"
Our love has no past. I wouldn't care if she had murdered someone. We start from the beginning of us.
We wrap our legs around each other in every way, and cling for dear love.
Yes, we are in love; but "in" love in the sense that we are in the center, in the flow, of that mighty, all-encompassing force.
I to her: "You are mine you are ours."
To me (as I am worshipping her body with kisses): "I love to be loved this way."
Sex or the male-female elements of our nature is the physical manifestation of the love force. [My thought as an ideal] : One day we are to get to that source as we sit naked to each other, crosslegged, hand in hand, in deep concentration of each other; and as the concentration intensifies, our hands tighten until we dissolve out of our bodies into the soul-being of each other. And love is where this fusion is.
The female in her, the feminine in her, the womanly in her, the girl in her, all add up to the whole being of her: her soul:
She puts my finger in her mouth and I explore its moist interior, as her tongue wraps itself about my finger. Her mouth and my finger transform into the male and female sex organs.
She nestles her head in my lap, and sighs: "My daddy." And I say "Yes,and your child, and your lover, and your friend." She smilingly nods in assent.
She is my woman and that is all that needs be said about my fulfillment as a man.
I to her: "Why did you want that we sleep together our first time together?"
She to me: Because I wanted to experience you totally.
We are both a force of one, of a four-fold energy: I in her = 2 forces; she in me = 2 more forces.
We have the purity of love, and the beat of it.
O! her living eyes! The glow, the flow, the soul, of Love beams from them.
Not only do I tenderly kiss the nape of her neck, the crook of her arm, the billow of her abdomen, the..., but I sink, melt, into them with a sighing groan of total surrender to the kiss, to the flesh of her, to the living being of her. Words are vacuous to convey the full sensation, the full meaning, of the experience.
She: I'll die if I ever lose you, I have never said that to anyone, I've thought it; but I've always known that I would survive somehow if I lost what I love. I can't say that of you.
She to me: You make me love my body.
I to her: You have added another dimension of life to me.
We have such a mutual understanding that it is not my sexual prowess or performance that defines me as a man, but that there are much more essential factors to the meaning of manhood moral integrity and honor, for one; force of character, for another; unswerving purpose, for still another.
She fits to me so perfectly in all facets the intellectual, the transcendent, the moral, the aesthetic, the sensual, the humorous, the practical, the ideal. She is cultured, she is not cultured and that underscored "not" says it all.
I just thought of having a child with her, and heaved, wrapping my arms around my torso in awe of such a miracle.
To her (as I kiss her shoulder): I feel like sinking into your whole being; I really do.
You quicken my breath.
I'm waiting to experience her next emotion.
I'm always concerned for her comfort not because she is my woman, but because she is my love.
Christ: "Be you perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect." And I add to this eternal truth: "Yes, do be perfect: love another human being truly, fully."
What we are to do together is to spiritualize the sexual act to make it truly a love act.
With my finger in her fount, I feel this inner push for my whole body and being to be absorbed in it to become it.
She is sensitivity embodied.
I glory over her womanhood! I gasp at her soulhood!
Her words: "I adore you" echo and waft through my being.
In caressing her body with my lips and hands, I want to be as delicate as a feather; and yet I will grip her in a fierce love bite just enough that she feels the slight pain, much as a loving dog holds back the pain of its play bite.
I stand before her naked as a man, and I rise and fall on that. All my intellectual accomplishments, personable qualities, creative force and abilities, are nothing in comparison.
A note to me from her:
Beloved,I want you to know: I love you, I care about you, I want you, I need you, I cherish you. I am vulnerable to you raw. You have the power to hurt me; I trust you with that power. I surrender 99% of my consciousness. I support you in all.
Love is the truth no corner of falsehood escapes it's glaring eye.
She writes to me: Thank you for loving me more than I love myself. Your understanding, support, and adoration give me the strength to weather the unpleasant parts of my life.
I am your knight at night between the sheets.
Sharon flesh of my flesh, spirit of my spirit.
She to me: "It feels good to be with you. It feels so wholesome."
A note to me:
At this moment all I want is to see you again and hold you in my arms. You move me forward, freeing me from guilt and anxiety. This morning I'm a sparrow enjoying freedom with the sun and trees as my companions.
She "Thoughts": When I grow up I want to be a Joseph. You are my playmate. Your trustworthiness makes me feel safe and allows the child in me to express its playfulness.
She: Everything else seems so insignificant when I'm with you...I hope it always stays that way.
I: That's our quest.
NOTE: The following samples of our book are talks or more precisely, explorations that were recorded "on the spot," so to speak. In transcribing the tapes to paper, some of what we spoke were not clear on the tape, and so were lost. Ellipsis indicate this loss. What, however, was transcribed is exactly what we spoke without adding literary refinements or precise expression except for some word changes or additions placed in brackets where clarity is necessary.
What we my wife, especially have to say is so important and urgent, and in some cases, groundbreaking, that we don't have to apologize for speaking so gropingly as we all normally do when speaking extemporaneously.
Joseph: (humorously)You love having a lot of sex with me, huh?
Sharon: Yes, I love having a lot of sex with you. I love being intimate. It's the intimacy of it. That is what it is: that closeness that I feel emotionally and mentally that only sex seems to be able to really get across.
Joseph: In its fullness.
Sharon: Yes, in its completeness, that makes it complete. I was thinking, you can be intellectually close, emotionally close, but you need words to express those. It seems when we're having intercourse, there's this bond that words would be insufficient, words would be weak; there's this cementing, that closeness; I hunger for, that I revel in it. That's why I need to have a lot of sex with you. Sex itself is really not what's important.
J: It's not the sex first and foremost.
S: Right. It's this feeling, this closeness.
J: The only way you can get to it is to be sexually aroused. Very deep. I understand it.
S: That's why we always need to make time for sex, and to have time for sex, because it's more important to us than sex itself; at least for me. I need that bonding; and, of course, maybe as time goes on, and the more secure I am with you; maybe I wouldn't need it as much. But I love it; and it's wonderful and beautiful and good for me, and good for you.
J: I know myself when I want to kiss you all over, it is that getting so intimate, so close to you, and the more intimate I get with you physically, the closer it seems I get to you feelingly and spiritually; but it's hard to decipher that when the sex feeling is on that's the predominant thing but it's not really and I started off straight with you wanting to caress hold you and not worrying about all the ejaculations and erections and so forth and it's still there. ... You were saying about my climaxing?
S: Wanting to take the birth control pill. It's more than just wanting you to climax in me; that's not even logical. That doesn't even have to do with reason; it's not just a matter of: well , this is what I want , because this is nice or something like that. It has to do with some kind of deep-seated psychological ancestral need within me; and I can feel it clearly when we're making love and you're ready to climax; and when you pull out, it's as if I'm being torn; and it's not a physical kind of tearing. I don't know what it is, really; but it's like a completion of a life cycle, of: I want to have this man's child, and the tearing away from me it feels somewhat damaged; it's sort of like pretending each time: this time I'm going to become pregnant with the man's child, this man that I love. Something like that .
J: Even though with the birth control pill it wouldn't be.
S: Right. But that would satisfy the woman-man-children-propagation; life goes on.
J: Erotic, all erotic.
S: Yes. but today the feeling was so tearing that it made me cry ;and I don't think that's good for me. I mean, I could go on; I can just change my attitude; but I'd rather not.
J: It's just a matter of attitude
S: It's much deeper than that. In fact, it has to do with the message.
J: Why do you call it a message?
S: Because it gives me a message, an ancestral message that I am to go with this man wherever he wants to go even if it means tearing up my own roots. ...That's what it means to me. It's a very tribal kind of thing; very native. It Makes me think about my dog. I had a dog, and we never had her fixed and we never let her have intercourse and every once in a while this poor dog would go through this whole thing of false pregnancy. She needed to be pregnant; she needed to fulfill that maternal need and she would go through this whole thing. She'd even swell physically and she'd stop her period; and she'd make her little butt close. It was just so pathetic because there was nothing happening; not on the physical level, anyhow. But her whole being needed this, and it was being thwarted.
The pill probably is dangerous to a certain degree. The rationalization would be everything's dangerous; everything has a price. There are other methods. I can't see myself putting on diaphragms before we make love; that kind of thing. It's not spontaneous enough for my particular nature. I'm willing to take a small risk. If I thought it were a big risk, I wouldn't do it; but I don't believe it's a big risk right now. I think that it would be safe for at least a year; and my hopes would be that by then there would be a better method. They are working on one right now in which you'd have a shot once every three months; it's supposed to be very safe, very effective. I have a low impulse control. There's a tendency in me to be impulsive. You have a high impulse control which means you can control yourself before jumping into something. I'm not so good at that. I read somewhere that women with low impulse control should be taking the pill ,because at the climactic moment nothing else matters; and that's the way I am; like when we made love today I didn't want to let you go. I was willing to take the risk. It didn't matter at that moment. But I am afraid this is going to become a problem. I don't want it to; and I don't know what to do about it because I don't want to displease you because you're right [about withdrawing].
J: You feel so relaxed with me you can be mine.
S: Right. I can be your little girl, I can be your teenager,I can be your whore, I can be your adult ,I can be your mother. I can be it all for you.
J: You're that free?
S: You made me that free.
J: That animal thrusting: it transforms you, it frees you, from inhibitions; and you become this thrusting animal , but with a consciousness of all that's going on. The pleasure, the closeness, the gripping, the whole idea of trying to get into you as far as possible, and to mate, to propagate our species. This is a male and female, woman and man, going at it. (laughter) ... I still don't think I've captured what it really is.
S: (humorously) We'll have to practice it more ... to get the right words.
J: Something is there a transformation that's quite delicious.
J: Today I was thinking being with Tom I'm sure he sensed something in the air between us that was separating us the tension that we weren't really relaxed and happy I remember one time he hadn't seen us for a couple of weeks and one other time I wouldn't even let him near the house because the argument I grabbed him outside and took him to a restaurant before he could come in
S: And then last week you had him at the other house
J: Right and I thought "Boy, I'm sure he feels that we're gradually slipping apart."
S: I don't give a damn what he thinks. Anyway, it's good for him to see that no matter how much you love someone it is so difficult it's a myth to think that everything is fine between us, and that love makes everything fine and good and so on. It is so difficult to get two human beings together and on the same track and moving in the same direction. In fact, I think it's almost a miracle when it happens; there are so many things in the way; so many. It takes so much work. And I think it's fine for him to see us with our prob- lems; but yet we're together and that's the key ...That's the way we interact. You can see that there's love ,there's strife; but there is love and we're trying to overcome the strife; and it's not right or fair for anyone to think that it goes smoothly just because people love one another; because it doesn't. ... It's so unfair to the other people too. It's like you're treating them like idiots; you're not giving them the credit for any kind of under- standing or knowledge of life It's like: "We're going to pretend, because this idiot can't understand anything else. In fact, I have a cousin who was the happiest man I ever knew. Married, and she was the happiest woman. Perfect couple. Everybody loved them. they've been married for years - thirteen years. I went up there one Christmas, and I had a wonderful time. I thought "Oh God, the happiest couple in the world!" Well, they were separated a month later. They divorced and actually married other people. So, they're putting on all this for the relatives, and so on; and I did feel hurt; I did feel insulted, because I cared about them; I loved them, and not because they were a happy couple; I mean, as individuals. And it lowered them in my eyes to think they didn't think enough of me or any of the other people there to be what they were.
S: You know what's really beautiful about the kind of lovemaking we just experienced is that it can only be you and me; only with you and you with me could we be that free. It's beautiful to know that it's sacred. I have never been like that with anyone and I know you haven't either; so that it's like two virgins and that's what I think makes it so excellent
J: And sacred, as you said.
S: Because it can only be us.
J: Or people like us who love as fully as deeply. you mention how sacred it is to be so completely animal free that we engross ourselves in the animal aromas and everything about us, all the orifices that we just love of each other. There's a sacredness to it; an inverse type of sacredness to what the word "sacredness" is usually meant to be; and that's why when I say that it would be a desecration to love anyone after you to be with anyone else if you were to die or I were to die for us to love so fully so uninhibitedly so primevally with someone else; it would be a desecration to have this with anyone else I really feel that..
S: As we get close to orgasm I begin to feel things happening internally and each time I get a feeling that I couldn't identify an image I wasn't sure what it was but now it seems very familiar so maybe I was knowing it but now it's to my conscious.
J: You can articulate it
S: Right I can articulate it now but the image is rain; and right at the moment I feel that I am rain; and then right from there usually I go right into the speed of light experience. As a child I use to go out and sit in the rain with an umbrella or something or on the porch I use to pray because there was some connection with the rain and God for me I use to feel god as a little girl in the rain.
[After another of her eternal orgasms she says:]
S: That the experience of miracle and I realize that it has nothing to do with life; and that's why it's so miraculous because everything we do in life no matter how fun or how blissful or fulfilling you feel the gravity of life there's never any let up of it; you're always aware you're in that body. But this is [different]; you're not in that body you're no longer tied to life.
J: Even though your body is twitching.
S: You don't even know what the body is doing. The body and the soul are separate in those moments. In the beginning, I feel my body moving; and then I don't know what's going on. I'm gone; it's fantastic, beautiful miracu- lous, experience. You know what's really ironic?: it just doesn't fit in with life at all. It just seems so strange to be here now and think "Why even have something like that?" It doesn't fit here at all. It's like graph going up and down life experiences; and here's this one that goes way off. It just has nothing to do with life. Strange. Wonderful.
J: I wanted to say that when I orgasmed you, that I just love the way you moved and held me... it showed such unity of our two-into-oneness. Your body just nestled into mine, just slithered into mine.
S: When I'm feeling that love for you it always bewilders me that I'm even capable of hurting you and I do hurt you -- the things I say or do; because the feeling that we have at that moment, this moment; that's the true feeling; that's how I really feel about you: pure love; all that is good. And I don't understand why I hurt you.
J: Your body expresses it. I guess that's when the day-to-day egos, or ourselves, get in the way of what we truly feel.
S: And life getting in the way; because at the moment there's nothing else; there's just you and me and our love.
J: That's what holds us together amidst all the conflicts of life and ourselves.
S: Because we know that that's the truth. And we don't hurt each other very much. But the little hurts; I don't even want to do those; I want the time to come when those don't even happen the little irritations; not even those. They don't belong in this love. They're not true, because they have to do with frustrations or fatigue or pain that have nothing to do with you.
A continuation of the earlier talk of the orgasm.
J: You said there's something very interesting that...
S: When become more and more aroused,and closer and closer to the orgasm, my mouth becomes terribly dry inside; so dry, that I almost choke on the dryness and it makes me think that there must be some chemical change going on in the body for that to happen. And the only other time that I've experienced that is the few times in my life that I've been terro- ized by certain experiences; my mouth had gone that dry in a matter of seconds.
J: It's like almost when that happens you go into a state of trauma where you release your self-consciousness. You're going into a state where you lose all sense of the agonizing pain that would happen. Maybe it's related to animals. We see the lion attacking the deer; but it's known that they get into this state that they don't feel anything; they're in an ultra state of consciousness; the terror shifts them into another state of consciousness: a blank consciousness of just physical movement and escape so there isn't that agony that we seem to think they're in; that what they say, the scientists. But it's related I think; to the similar symptom of going into a different state of consciousness beyond the self-consciousness which happens to you. It's like the similarities well the excitement that you feel when getting a new car and the excitement you feel being with the one you love for the first time. It's the same basic physiology going on except one is more intensified and more complex than the others. the same symptoms are going on: the agitation; similar symptoms, only varied intensity and complexity which makes your experience from a physiological point of view, and therefore, from a scientific point of view, valid. From that point of view, something radical is happening here. Scientist might say "Let's not put it into a mystic experience." Or maybe it is a mystic experience; but whatever it is, it is different than self-consciousness call it what you will.
S: A person I know suffered from manic depression and when this person would go into the manic phase which is an elation phase of bliss and hyperactivity the mouth would become very dry during the whole manic phase so dry that it would crack and bleed as time would go on and during this time. Some articles came out in Newsweek and Time Magazines about manic depression, because lithium had just come out, which was not the cure but the stabilizer; and they said that for sure when a person goes through the manic phase a chemical change takes place and they can tell in the saliva. And they do brain scans; and the chemical are rearranged differ- ently in the brain than when the person was in the depressive or the normal state; so that these chemical changes taken place do alter the conscious- ness in the brain chemicals which effect the salivitory system. What I'm trying to say is the manic phase is a different state of consciousness.
J: You said an elation. Is it like a madness?
S: As it goes on it gets more out of control. The first half let's say is really a very positive kind of thing: highly creative, strong, confident; all the plus things. Many famous people suffered from manic depression their greatest achievements were during the manic phase.
J: I think in discussing this mystic orgasm ...a sense of the universal, of everything, purity, and so forth; if it were available to everybody simply by manipulate or caress the clitoris in a certain way, or by injecting something chemically to make that chemical change, what would be the value of it? It would just be another high a super-high. If that's all it is, [of what spiritual value is it?]. Somehow, we have to relate it to something for it to have meaning. I think it would have to be related to something more universal, something beyond, as you've said, this life.
S: I don't see how anyone could experience this, and not know that it is God; that it isn't just another high. It's death; it's death to life while in life.
J: It does tell of another consciousness. If that's the case, then, to me, the value of it would be that if one could take that "Experience," quote unquote with a capital 'E', it's that experience that could go into the transforming of the psychology of human nature and that would validate the whole push towards "higher consciousness," "advanced consciousness" or whatever it is in relation to the new man. It can be done. I never did think I could do it, or that anybody could transform his psychology by his own humanity alone. It does have to have a definitely strong sense of a super consciousness that is somewhat determinant of everything.
S: There's a feeling that takes place, that I talked about, before hurling through time and space accelerated, that makes me know that there's distance involved; it's not like outside the wall. It's not nearby it's very dark. It's like a deep dark perfect river. It's like water. It fascinates me. Miracle.
J: When I'm in you I control you as does the male the female
S: And I love it. You're the power that has kidnapped me from the English ship you can do anything you want to me and I'm your slave and your prisoner
J: Hold you down ram against you
S: I resist; but it's to no avail anything you tell me to do I will do.
J: But let me try this [male dominance over the female] other than the bed, then, there you have a different story nothing but resistance with a little giving in.
S: You wouldn't want it any other way. That's what the beauty of our relationship: we melt right into the roles at the right moment.
J: This morning we're in bed and she's reading transcending I'm lying next to her I have her fingers in my mouth and I'm kissing them adoring them and caressing them sucking them and I'm feeling such waves of delight and love just loving her fingers.
S: How come I invite you to be a little bit rough with me in our lovemaking. I kind of enjoy you being a little bit rough, forceful. Is it because I'm a female? Is that the female coming out of me.
J: That's what I was just talking about:about control the male over the female.
S: That's okay?
J: Yes it is the female being dominated by the male I think that's the primi- tive years and you need that. I think also that when the male comes out of me like that strong, and it holds and spreads your genitals and your behind and grips you and grunts at you, you know that this is the male animal at you; and that's the male animal that will protect you, that will defend you; that's where it comes out. If I were passive: just easy-going, a beautiful soul only; you probably couldn't bear. It's like that limp handshake; you know you don't have much strength there. But when I'm able to I give way to the grunt; then you know that this is the male animal that will protect your territory that will be your mate. It comes out most forcefully there; because other than that, it's just the intellect and my character -- which are fine and my ego my ego is the masculinity that comes out that why a woman would say I love his pride and the intellect of course kind of takes the place of the physical attractiveness of the physical control that the animal has over the female and the character of course is the human the man we're two miracles to each other for each other. That's where I belong inside you it's not sex it is being inside you. It takes up strength to love to surrender to it to transcend your self-concern for the other who needs it so badly that's where the strength is not in resisting that's the easy way out the masculine way out this is psychology we're use to that it takes up strength to have faith in love to the point that you know we won't be taken advantage of to overcome all those fears of becoming a slave or puppet to the other to forgo all that and surrender yourself to the force of love
J: After another of her spiritual orgasms she says to me:
S: Experiencing the bliss consciousness for me is the experience of my life nothing could come even close to it. I use to think that feeling like that feeling at one with nature that people have every once in a while: the ocean the sunset. I use to think there could be nothing more beautiful than that feeling and that is a similar out-of-body experience as I said before. Words are cheap when comes to trying to describe this transcendent bliss consciousness experience; and what I realize is. that it could only happen with you because for me it's a testimony of our love our trust our respect what we are to one another and I'm sure that's why I never did experience it with anyone else because of the sacredness for me it would have to be experienced with someone like you
J: Your whole body goes through contortions as you've talked about and you look like you're possessed somebody might think you're possessed by the devil and it would take someone as it turns out it's me that could look at you and not be frightened this is a woman this is a creature completely out of control. It's awesome to see; to know what's happening, what's going beyond your body. You don't see yourself you don't see anything, do you? You asked earlier "Where is this? In the mind?" and I said "No it's in every hair" to quote Jesus: count all the hairs on your head; however it goes. But, you get right to the meaning of your being, of being itself some- how. I mean it's there; it exists. It's some kind of structured order. it's almost as though this [infinite vastness that you experience] is what that you [essentially] are, what I am, what everyone is and what everything is .. .I can't capture it now, but what I thought in a flash is that somehow we are the ones who make it happen. Yes, we are the world! it's through us that this consciousness exists.
S: Does it really look awful when I go into it
J: Now the word "awful" separate it awful it's awesome full of awe I mean something is happening here that is not in any way the normal human response to anything except as we see being possessed by something. It is a matter of [being possessed]. It looks that way. That's the way we inter- pret it; but for me, it's not a matter of possession it's a matter of breaking through [to the other side, the other Reality]. It Ultimate Reality has to do all kinds of things for it to happen; for it to push itself to it'ultimate...But it's not awful, no. When you do [contort], I feel for you; my eyes are almost to tears. I feel that I know what you're going through at that moment or what your body is going through your mind is having a great time no it's not awful in that sense I can see where it would be frightening or scary to an average man. I wouldn't think that just any man would know [ what was really going on in a woman in that contorted state.]
S: Maybe people don't talk about it
J: [They don't, I would think.] It can't be what they [the authorities] talk about when describing a woman's orgasm whether vaginal or clitoral; it can't be what they experienced --or if they have, have no clue, or are so fearsome, of it]; otherwise it would be so well documented.
S: Do you think maybe they don't know what it is?
J: The description itself, whether they know what it is or not, the mere fact that there's such a tremendous volcanic upheaval going on [It is perhaps too much for words; it's your genius in finding the words to describe it, and my prompting you with this tape recorder, on the spot, so to speak.]
S: If someone said to you Joseph what is this self-transcendence what does it mean what do you do
J: It's the next step in human evolutionary growth that is not being any physiological change whatsoever. This would be totally spiritual in mind growth and advancement. And what this would mean is that you would have a larger spectrum of encompassing life and the universe and are basing it on what our goal is and that everything is ... what our values are, what should our goals be, what's in the future? Those things would be answered by changing to that point of awareness; being receptive to all different types of ideas and concepts and being able to choose the strongest qualities from all of these. Learning capabilities would be enhanced and attitudes would be more flexible not really flexible but truer in the sense that now you've been able to encompass all these different ideas and opinions. You wouldn't have such a narrow view point on yourself as [the end and all] instead you'd have a whole different perspective. Does that answer your question?
J: Why, what's wrong
S: That's what it is in a universal kind of understanding but I wanted to know how Mrs. Barrel can try to be more self-transcendent is it something you do try or you wait for it to come to you
J: What again is self-transcendence?
S: Rising above ourselves.
J: Of our own psychology.
S: Our human limits.
J: What makes us rise above our human limits?
S: Seeing that if we stay in this mode we'll only go backwards
J: But how can we get out of this mode?
S: By rising above ...
J: But you're going in a circle now.
S: How do you rise above by taking it upon yourself to do what you want to do what you know is right not what you think is right, what you know is right.
J: Morally right
S: Not morally right; just if you have commonsense of what is right for you.
J: Now are we suppose to put aside other people[ their feelings] in that?
S: Yes, you have to be independent you can't let anybody else push you around psychologically; that's why you're feeling horrible in the first place
J: So it looks like you have some kind of cosmic wonder and the way we can tap that a piece of that cosmic wonder is to rise above our psychology [our humanness], destroy the ego. Is that what you mean?
S: I don't think we should destroy the ego. I think you have to work at placing it where it belongs. I think it's displaced in most people
J: In which way?
S: That it's become more important [than it should be]. Our whole lives revolve around how our ego filters information and puts information out.
J: And around our needs and desires.
S: And there's nothing wrong with that, but it's got to be tuned again; we don't need this type of ego anymore. I think at one time it was necessary for survival, but it really isn't anymore. I think it's got to be reshaped, it's got to be returned.
S: It's like, clean up your life so you can think clearly; and then start working on the ego and at the same time start dealing with the wonder of life and facing that there is more than just what we experience. I need that I need to feel that trust that I can put my life and body into your hands and that you will bring it joy and love. I give myself to you uninhibitedly things I've never given myself to even myself
J: In everything.
S: Yes in everything; but in sex especially; and you love it you love me and you love my body and my uninhibitedness you return that trust which makes me then love you all the more instead of rejecting my vulnerability.
J: That is part of the freedom I've always wanted you to have: that you can be vulnerable with me without remarks without repercussions of any sort. I love your uninhibitedness
S: As long as I'm alive, no matter how important things become, I would never ever allow myself to lose this with you because to me this is the key that makes many of the other things possible
J: What is the key: our sex contact?
S: Yes, the intimacy
J: When you stop to think of it, it's silly to say that sex will no longer be a part [of our self-transcendence], because it's through sex that you reached that [infinite Love experience] as we found out. That's been a part of our whole mission right from the beginning. When I said that we're going to spiritualize sex, I didn't quite know what I meant; but I knew that that was what was going to happen; and it's happened.
S: Yes I remember you felt like going back to the animal that was one of the main steps
J: You brought that to my consciousness the animal to me the first part of it was beauty there was such beauty in what we were doing the movements and everything somehow I thought that could be elevated even higher transmuted even more and then you released the animal in me and then I realized of course that you do have to go through that even though I may have said it before you made it happen. Sex is a manifestation of our [human] love yes but it's also a spiritual manifestation too; and that's what it should become more and more and I guess that's what D. H. Lawrence meant when he said to get sex out of their head
What has to be realized in our times is the reason there are so many sexual frustrations and so much is against sex in many people's minds is because they have the wrong attitude toward it and that is because of a very crucial piece of ignorance which is they've never really loved that's hard to face but it isn't in the long run. There are some individuals who are indiscrimin- ate and they need more than one body but there are many people who have very strong reservoirs of love and since love is so intense it can only be shared with one person really and not having found that person that's very difficult there are them out there they think by the cultural education that if you're not sexually exciting or sensual then you're the odd man out; some- thing's wrong with you sexually, you have some kind of dysfunction or some kind of neurosis. It goes on and on. Love is such a delicate flower; sex is too. It's not enough just to love, since sex is so integral to love. A man has to be from the beginning, patient, gentle, and gradual. it just can't be a sex act. It's not a matter of women are more emotional, that they need to be emotionally worked up and embraced and cuddled, and all that; but there's more to it they've got to shown this is a love act not a sexual release. it takes a lot of patience for men, because men have the impulse to finish immediately, to get it over with that's the animal in them. And that's where the human part comes in when he's able to curb that animal and turn it into a love act.
S: It's always been my belief that people wanted Jesus who was free from sin because they can't by any means come close to that so therefore they don't have to bother to change. The great cop out is: "I can never be that good, so I won't even try." Whereas you take somebody like Lennon who sees that everybody, the people, can be these things [self-transcending].
J: What things?
S: Have the power, have the understanding, the forgiveness, the truth. It's like we live in an unreal world. He knew it can be a better world it can be happier it can be freer with more realization of the quality of life
J: Can continually change for the better.
S: Right but you have to change your way of thinking; and people mock at that because it takes work; and that makes you feel insecure, and so on. And that's why he'll always have trouble being accepted as a prophet, because he is so credible, because the idea is "Gee, if somebody with all these weaknesses: emotional and mental, and so on, can still see what's...
S: Yes the utopia that is possible and within our grasp. Anyhow that makes people very uncomfortable because they realize they too have that power.
J: That means they are obligated; they can no longer get on their knees and pray for forgiveness or ...
S: Be comfortable watching TV all evening long.
J: That means they have to get out there and do it for their own credibility, their own self-respect.
S: In tying together his gospel, your voice is coming through connecting the things he said and what you have to do is show that he is the embodiment of this revolution, of this transition, in mankind; and that what he went through, we're all going through in some way or another, some more than others; and that that's what we're all moving toward: his belief, his gospel, that that's what will come; that's what you have to bring out.
Here comes our summary of the year but before we get to it, she says ... and we were so tired but we couldn't separate from each to go to sleep; she says:
"I wish that we could sleep together and have each other's dreams like to be together in sleep as we are in waking."